I'm Not Okay – You're Okay
Yes, it's a bit cryptic. It just came into my mind as a friend sent me a text message telling me that she's added the book I'm OK, You're OK* to her reading list. It was recommended to me by another friend. In fact, not just recommended, but lent and then followed up with messages saying have you read it yet? I did read it, and it was really good.
But this isn't going to be a book review. As I said, its title came into my mind just as I was opening up my project management software to start my weekly review and wondering what exactly I need to do to fix the broken things.
"Broken things, Cams? I thought you were doing really well?"
Interesting that you should ask. Yes, on the whole I am doing well. Building my coaching business in public is working. My daily habits are getting better on the whole. But, we humans tend to dwell on the things that we're not achieving, don't we?
The big one for me is sugar cravings. I'm have type 2 diabetes, so sugar is definitely Not Good for me. Over the weekend I have found my hand in the cookie jar more times that I would care to admit.
So that's one thing. What else?
Shopping
Yes, I'm looking at the wrong end of the weekly grocery shop. It fills me with such dread. What usually happens is that my depression flares up when I get home, and that usually leads to a feeling of fuckitness where the sugar is concerned. I might even buy a cranberry loaf at the Co-op knowing full well that I'll feel this way when I get home. Or I'll buy pouring cream so I can have some chocolate Alpen. It's ridiculous.
So, the sugar cravings and the self-destructive behaviour. It feels like weakness, like a lack of will power. This is the broken part.
From having been in recovery from alcoholism since 2005, I can categorically say that it's not about will power. It's not about weakness. It's about mindset. I have to find a way of believing that I am not the kind of person who eats sugar for a quick pleasure high. I am not that person. I am the kind of person who can walk into the kitchen and not even register the pile of biscuit packs on the counter. As I write this, I realise that a nice hack would be to find some cupboard space to put them in so that at least they are out of sight!
I think I will maybe try something the next time this urge hits me. Something like play a song on the guitar, or read a page of a crime novel, something other than eating that first Leibniz, because as with bevvy, it's never just one Liebniz.
I can also bring some gratitude into my shopping trip. First of all I can go shopping. I mean we have money, we have a car to get there, it's only 3 miles away and there are fucking mountain views across the bay from the car park. I mean all that should be enough, right?
D'you know what? I think this might just be working!
I'm off to the Co-op.
If you'd like to hear me talk about grandiosity and judgementalism, take a look at my latest video.
I love coffee. In fact I'm going to go and make another one as soon as send this post. If you find my content helpful and would like to buy me a coffee, that would be absolutely amazing! You can do that right here:
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