I was really moved by Sophie Spital’s interview on TRIGGERnometry. She spoke candidly about her journey through gender dysphoria and I hope that the episode is shared far and wide.
My biggest takeaway was her repeated use of the words grace and truth. This is what I found myself pondering in today’s Morning Pages newsletter. Like me, Sophie has autism, and she talks about it quite candidly in her interview. My autism is possibly what’s causing difficulty right now when it comes to truth. I just can’t seem to get past it. It's that old black-and-white thinking, you know? My brain doesn't cope well with nuance.
I’m curious how Sophie conflates grace and truth to find a solution. Her Christian faith is strong and she described how she got solace from the church when she was struggling with her gender dysphoria, solace that came in the form of grace and truth.
I want to live in alignment with the values of love, compassion and tolerance. I fail a lot of the time, but through my morning pages, I continue to take personal inventory and, when I’m wrong, I promptly admit it—that's Step 10 of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what if I’m wrong and don’t know that I’m wrong? What if I believe in my bones that I’m right, but I’m actually not? Or what if I am right, but the current tide says otherwise? What about when the consequences of serving truth are too high? How do I act with grace in situations like that? I think this is the key to understanding how to find a way through the family situation I’m currently dealing with.
Maybe scripture could help? I was, after all, brought up in the Christian faith, and I seem to be coming back to it from my wilderness years. This is also something that Sophie talks about in her interview: how she sees an increase in people turning to the bible.
I don’t think I can get through this on my own. I’m reading voraciously in order to learn; I’m listening to podcasts and watching YouTube videos. But I just don’t think I can resolve this on my own, no matter how much I read or write. I need some help and guidance.
I don’t want to be a dick. I know I’m coming across that way to my daughter, but maybe it’s okay to come across as a dick if I’m not actually being a dick. Maybe that’s where courage comes into play on my part. I'm the parent. As long as I can maintain a degree of humility, I need not fear. Maybe step 11 of AA is the answer:
“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”
That should stand me in good stead. At least I bloody well hope so!
I always knew being a parent would be hard, but this feels existential.