My 50th Birthday

I turn 50 this week. Fifty years of life, many of them without the Internet. Imagine that!

I'm feeling mixed emotions to be honest. The biggest emotion is love. The second biggest is loss. It's a weird mix. Love of my family, and loss because both parents are gone. But that's a loss that comes from love, and I haven't really lost them. They're still with me. So it's just love really, and that's a really good place to be.

I spent last week in Cornwall with my family, visiting my wife's family. We had an amazing trip, blessed with sunny weather all week.

And if the blessings continue, the Calmac gods will shine and let us on the boat next weekend so I can spend some time with my brother and his family. Why they take the summer boat out of service when the October half-term holidays are on is a question that I don't suppose I'll ever have the answer to, but it means we can't get a booking and have to take our chances in the Unbooked Queue. Fingers crossed. If we get on, I'll pay a visit to my mum and dad at the cemetery. I would like that.  

I know how lucky I am to have had such love in my life, especially where family is concerned. I remember my dad being happiest when his family was around him, and I understand that now.

I also have some direction and am not spending my days doing something I hate. If I could have wished for something when I turned 40, it would have been that - to be free of my post office business by the time I reached 50. And I am. I didn't think I would be, and yet I am. That's something I try to bring into my mind when I'm feeling overwhelmed or sad or lonely or upset or angry.

I'm in a place of contentment now, where I can work on getting closer to becoming the person I'd like to be, someone who's kind and loving, who isn't grumpy and depressed. Someone who's sober, not just in the sense of not picking up a drink, but in its full sense, of being whole. It's a work in progress.

The next decade is going to be amazing. I'm going to watch my kids' growing into their 20s and I'm going to enjoy that immensely. I'm going to keep building my systems to grow my business ideas into something that actually brings in some revenue. I'm going to enjoy playing music and becoming a more creative musician. I'm going to enjoy spending time with my wife, working from home, getting into the hills, getting closer to source.

I'm going into my 50s happy and excited.