Okay, it's a click-baitey title maybe, but that's exactly what I got called last night at a lodge rehearsal because I wouldn't take a drink. Normally I'd bring it up at an AA meeting, but since I'm not going to any meetings right now, I'm going to talk about it right here. You never know, it might be helpful to others out there who don't go to meetings and worry about dealing with bar situations like this.
What's bothering me isn't so much the name-calling. That's on the other guy, not me. I know this in my heart. What's bothering me is the resentment that I'm feeling. I don't want to be carrying resentment around with me.
I left the bar without saying anything, but then the dialogues in my head started swirling round and round, you know, all the things I should've said were I not so weak-minded, beating myself up for being pathetic for not standing up for myself. But I know that if I had have spoken up, I'd have ended up wishing I'd said something different, so in that respect, it's probably okay that I didn't say anything. All the more so as there was alcohol involved and I was not one of the 'inner circle'.
But it was still bothering me this morning, and it's still bothering me now. What happened to power of now?
Well, I did sit outside on the porch and meditate for fifteen minutes, with the winter sun shining down, a nice breeze blowing and the sound of birdsong in the trees. It was really nice, but the inner dialogues kept interrupting me. Bear in mind that I don't meditate often and am just beginning a 30-day challenge to get better at it. So there's that.
I ended up composing an email to let the master of the lodge know how I'm feeling, but didn't send it before running it past my wife first. She encouraged me to change some bits that came across as angry and I'm very grateful to have that loving relationship there with my wife. I don't take that lightly.
My place is not to judge anyone. My place is to have love in my heart for my fellow human. This is largely what I get from freemasonry in the first place. So I shouldn't be feeling any resentment or anger at all and I'm quite disappointed in my recovery that I am experiencing these feelings. Talking it out here helps, and I find myself starting to feel calm as I write these lines on my screen.
Should I have sent that email? Possibly not, but also yes. I'm not a doormat, and I composed it thoughtfully and with a second pair of loving eyes. So now I've put my feelings out there and I hope that I get a loving response.